Monday, January 28, 2013

Letting go


I published my blog WAAAYYY too early yesterday. On the way back from the bank I saw him and I really thought that he saw me driving back to work, so when I called to tell him I saw him he automatically assumed that it was at the mall. He thought I was being snarky and snippy and I stated that it wasn't like that. I would never deliberately avoid him, unless that's what he wanted.

I do a horrible thing and call later because there are thoughts that shouldn't be running in my head about our relationship that are. He can't give me a straight answer and we end up in a fight and me being sad because I really want and honest to god explanation about things. I never think that I push people away. He calls me at 4 in the morning and is nearly falling asleep on the phone only because he said that he would call me back. I try to get him to answer things and he decides to not have the conversation because it isn't worth it and because he can't handle it.

Somewhere in the middle of the night, I write him the last letter that I'd been thinking about writing for a bit. To say goodbye and how I don't want to be friends right now because all we do is end up causing each other pain and suffering. I'm done with it. I seal it in an envelope with the rest of the letters recently that I haven't given him because I figure that he REALLY wants to understand and deserves to know the truth.

I drive by his place and think about leaving it in his door, but realize that even though that might be the best plan for me I know he doesn't like it. I call him and wake him up and ask him to come to the door to actually give it to him. He puts up a fight and when I give him a real argument for why I don't want to leave it in his door he then comes to get it.

He decides to call me before I go to lunch because he thinks that's the best thing to pick yet another fight. He doesn't even bother to read the letters that I gave him today, but instead picks up the argument where it was last night. I think why are picking up that argument I'm done all I need you to do is read the letters and realize that. He finally reads the letters and gives him a chance to calm down a bit before he accuses me of writing them all at once. I never write any letters all at once because it's insincere and that's not fair to anyone period. He gives me a real answer on why he thinks that I pushed him away and the things we keep doing to hurt each other. I know its not fair to either of us to know that much and to irritate each other so much. He still thinks its wrong that I gave him the shirt back and that I shouldn't have done that. He still can't see what it meant and how I perceive it.

But I'm glad that I have a chance to be happy and don't have to spend time crying anymore. I told people that we are through and I really hope that it's true this time.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

If it's so bad why can't I walk away


I really need to be more diligent with this blog so I don't feel like all the days are dying in my head.

January 17, 2013
I know I shouldn't have but I did. I called Justin and we went to dinner at this restaurant near the mall called Eggs and Things. It serves breakfast all day! Things were going about as well as things go for us. It was a pleasant enough meal until Jon started texting me at the end of dinner. I go to answer him and Justin gets pissed. It's not like he wasn't texting someone while we were chilling together. Yes, I know it's rude, but sometimes there are things that need to be answered. I drive him home and he's super upset that I'm texting someone new and that I won't tell him. I think it doesn't matter because I'm in the moment and he tries to justify it by saying that I'm trying to get with someone. I hate the fact that he's mad and can't really explain why. Stressed and annoyed I can't deal. I call Ty and ask him for advice and he gives me some good advice aside from the fact that I'm still talking to him. I also call Sugi to ask him for advice and he gives me some also sound advice. I guess that settles it. Did I mention that Jon also got pissed over text that we hadn't hung out yet? We hadn't even met in person and he's already being over dramatic I'm getting so over it.

January 18, 2013
I get a call at 3 in the morning from Justin saying please come lay with me and I'm sorry for being such a prick and the only reason I'm jealous is because I'm small. I drove out to him and the door is locked and I knock on both doors and call him a bunch of times. Irritated I drive home and get caught speeding, but thankfully the cop buys my story about coming from work and tells me not to speed on the way home. Get up later that day to drive to work and call Justin to ask what's up. He answers and says that he feels like shit for not answering the door and that I should have tried harder to wake him up...i don't know about that. I tell him that there's a Miyazaki film being shown at work that night and that's where I'll be. He apologizes again and tells me that he'll try and make it. I figure he'll bail like he always does, so it falls into the if he comes he comes, if he doesn't he doesn't. I work through the day and then cut pineapple for that night. Dang, I lost my skills for cutting pineapple perhaps I need to go visit Dole Plantation and get a refresher course. While, I'm cutting pineapple my phone starts ringing because Justin calls. I call him back and he actually says that he's actually coming but he'll be late. If he comes he comes. Brandi comes after class and we sit in my office for a hot second and I tell her about my almost speeding ticket before my boss demands that we be social with the special guests that come that night. We go and be social and then the mixer starts. Troy comes to the event too and I'm a bit surprised he showed after the incident at STIR. We don't talk much during the event, but he told my boss and some other people that he was here because a friend invited him. Justin actually showed up and was apologetic about earlier today as well as coming late. He then proceeds to talk to people which I'm happy to see that he's being social and keeping in touch with people since he hasn't been around. I sit  by Brandi and we're chatting for a bit while she colors. I grab food and sit back down and the Justin comes and sits by me and Troy ends up sitting across the room. Watch the film I doze for a bit and there's birthday cake for 2 people in the room and trivia questions. Then I'm cleaning up and people offer to help, while my boss talks about the movie a bit. I'm washing dishes and Justin's offers to bag the leftovers on the table. As usual Troy can't just jump in, but needs to be told where to help. Everyone cleans up and then Troy leaves and I say bye. I offer Brandi a ride home and Justin asks for a ride as well. It's a pretty silent short ride to the dorms and there Justin jumps in the front seat. As we're leaving he starts asking me about Troy. Seriously, boy?!? Why does it matter? We hook up because that's how it goes and we're lying there for half a second before his roommate walks in the door and then it's bye. His roommates know but are decent enough not to say anything....they have their own drama.

January 19, 2013
Since I got home pretty late and was gonna try and sleep in, but Brandi and I promised to meet up and go to Dave & Busters in the afternoonish. I pick her up when Jon texts demanding that we hang out that night which I'm okay with until he can't make definite plans. Brandi and I hang at Dave & Busters and win a bunch of tickets but don't take anything home. We go for Menchie's after and we talk about Troy, Justin, Jon, and Sean. It was a weird day. Go by the mall walk around check on Justin but don't let him see him. Don't get anything at the mall which is good. Go home watch a ton of Netflix and then pass out, but not before Justin calls me and we chat for a bit before I go back to sleep.

January 20, 2013
Get up early and head to Mililani for a car wash. Go to church and then wash cars where I get soaking wet and feel almost like a waste of time because we didn't advertise well and only made $300. Go to McDonald's with the crew for lunch and then go to try find frozen raspberries for smoothies. Walk into 2 stores before buying things and while I'm there Justin calls and we chat for a bit. Get home pass out for a bit before Wendy calls and tells me to come out to Dave & Buster's because its her friend's gf birthday. I decide to go out because I'm off the next day and could use a chill night out. Takes forever to get there cause there's an accident. Finally get there and find them order food. It's a chill night although I do tell Wendy what happened on Friday. Boys causing drama is no bueno. Wendy's friend Brian is cute but that's not going to happen. The Kahai character is also cute, but apparently he's in a long distance relationship. Hang out win tickets cash in, but don't walk out with a prize. Call Justin and he doesn't answer for a bit. Intend on going home, but then he calls and we attempt to meet up but playing let's find Justin and then hookup. Another one of those nights where we're lying there for half a second before his roommate walks in again. It's not weird.

January 21, 2013
Meet up with Wendy cause her roommate is leaving the island after living for a couple of months (military), so we do a circle island tour starting near her house at the Byodo-In temple. Stop in Waipio for gas take forever in Wahiawa and finally end up in Haleiwa. We visit a few shops in town and then head toward the shrimp trucks. We end up eating at Fumis cause the line was short, but Wendy still likes Romys better. We end up rushing back to the house because Wendy get a text from her brother saying that the convection oven she's been eyeing for a while. It was a quick ride and we're back at her place. We watch about 10 minutes of MI: Ghost Protocol and then she's off to drop her roommate off at the airport and then to dinner. I'm headed home to relax and finish MI. It's going to be a wild week at work.

January 22, 2013
Yes, it's a going to be a wild week at work. There's a camp meeting and I remember taping with Wayde but I honestly don't remember much else about the day except that Justin called a bunch toward the end of the meeting and said that he was headed home to sleep. Oh and we grabbed lunch at this chicken katsu place in Shirokiya and it tasted like crap.

January 23, 2013
Yesterday was pretty chill but busy. There was a strategic planning meeting with Glenn and then working on stuff and planning on Cleanup for Sunday. Can't believe that's its already Xgames weekend. Have a long trip at Costco and call Justin to chat later. After Costco and picking up things at kmart I'm working on a haul for youtube. Have dinner with the 'rents and then try to relax. I finally call Justin and ask to come over in the morning.

January 24, 2013
Woke up drove to Justin's and it was okay for a bit. Then there was drama and let's just say I really shouldn't talk about it. It's bad, so bad. I get to work and try to focus , but can't really. End up going to see Justin during my lunch and try to apologize and it doesn't work out so well. Still mad and he decided that we shouldn't do anything anymore. We'll see how it goes, but right now we're not speaking. I comfort Brandi through a tough time and is having a chill night. My mom still decides to express her opinion on my love life...um no just no.

I'll try and write more tomorrow...

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Why can't I?


January 14, 2013
The 'rents were suppose to get home on Sunday but they got delayed in Vegas :( Spending time at your house because you have crazy neighbors is never a good thing. I call Justin at 2 because he didn't call back, we talk. Wait an hour and then I get a text asking to come over. I come over and hang for a bit. Get caught by his roommate, who since he's dealing with his own issues doesn't say anything. I leave for work and have a busy day. Head home because I have crazy neighbors and have a boring night at home. The 'rents get home and all is well on the home front. Although they are pissed at Hawaiian Airlines at the moment.

January 15, 2013
ehhh....Another busy day. I still don't get why he calls me. He calls me in the morning to apologize for getting blasted the night before. Heavy day at work followed by a not so great night meeting. Boom and just like that after being good I'm having a skin break out and craving pizza. Sucks! Make plans to spend a lunch tomorrow with Wendy and catch up. And fall asleep I'm avoiding the world until next week.

January 16, 2013
Get called at 3am I don't think so on my holiday. Wake up and drive to Wendy's to grab lunch. Get attacked by her dogs who happen to apparently love me. We decide to go to Heeia Kea Pier and General Store. Ummm...I'm dying cause it is so beautiful. Love driving to Kaneohe and being there. So untouched. We are waiting for our food when I go to check Daniel Dae Kim and Grace Park from Hawaii 5-O. I was a little star struck , but was totally normal around them. I told Wendy that Justin & I split up and she was overjoyed. I also related to her bits and pieces of the story with Justin and his roommates. It's true they do cause too much drama in life. The rest of the day was super chill and I have definitely been glad for it.

Write again soon.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Daily blog in January


January 13,2013

Yes, I know I was suppose to blog yesterday about yesterday but yet again this is another combined post. So yesterday, I get woken up at 6 in the morning by Justin telling me to come pick him up since him and one of his roommates got into a fight. Yes, I actually hopped out of bed in my pjs put on my contacts and drove to pick him up. I would have driven faster but hell I was still a bit asleep and didn't want to crash. I find him at 630 in the morning at a gas station crying. I ask if he wanted to talk about what happened he says no but says that even though I may judge him for running away from a fight there were things that were said that should also be said sober if they are true. I decided to drive around town for a bit and told him that I need coffee if we were going to continue any further. I picked up coffee and a bagel in Kahala and he continued to sleep in the car. I took the opportunity to make the drive to Sandys to watch the sunrise since I rarely get to just sit on the beach and watch the sunrise. It was beautiful beyond words and watching the waves crash into the beach is so calming and makes me feel so small at the same time. I drove back toward the city and stopped at a random lookout point where to take in the view. A stranger chatted me up for a while and told me that Life is too short for people to be mad and in fights. It's so true you know! I got back to town and dropped Justin off, he was still tired and groggy as hell, but I wanted to get some chores done and get a bit of sleep before heading back out.

I called Justin later to see if he wanted lunch and to check on him. We grabbed lunch from a food truck and went to a park to eat. He still is really good to me even though we aren't together. He finally tells me what happened between him and his roommate, which I won't share on here. It's a much bigger story that it's really worth. I didn't know what to say there's really nothing to say to someone who doesn't want to believe the truth. We go back to his place and hang for a bit before his other roommate comes home. They talk about the crazy fest from the night before and yes we're all on the same page. His roommate has taken the crazy train to no goodvile and needs to objectively look at things. I left soon after that because there are things in life that you can't put off. I decided to spend a quiet evening at home because seriously that was way too much drama for one day.

Today, Sunday: was a super chill day. I cleaned the house, went on a few errands, got caught in traffic and was having a pretty chill evening until my mom called. I've been house sitting for my 'rents all weekend long and they were suppose to be back tonight. My mom called to say that the plane broke and from what she knew that they at least wouldn't be back until possibly tomorrow but even that was uncertain. I feel lonely right now, but at least this weekend I know I can make it on my own and survive. Accomplished task today doing laundry in my parents energy efficient washer.

Be back tomorrow I think.

Friday, January 11, 2013

It's been a crazy week


January 11, 2013

I'm sorry for not writing all this week, but it's been a hell of a week. I'll try to summarize everything that happened.

Monday: I thought it would be a good idea to give Justin the rest of the letters I had written but never given him. Note to self: Never do that again. We had a fight and there was a point when I was crying and hysterical, but it I was good and came straight home after work. I also told the camp chair that Justin and I weren't together anymore, so she would need to contact him to see if he was doing camp.

Tuesday: I found out that Justin quit camp and was upset because I thought that he would have enough sense to be the bigger person, so I call him hysterical and say that he isn't. He just moving on with his life and in a different direction and that it's his choice. That night there was a camp meeting that ran until late in the night and my nose was itching the whole time and I couldn't figure out why.

Wednesday: My nose was still itching like crazy and we all know what that means. I call and see if he was thinking about me and he said maybe. I met up with Troy and we went to STIR at 39 Hotel. I gave a guy my number and he hasn't called. I met a ton of guys but only gave one guy my number. We ironically ran into one of Justin's friends Erin at the event too. I thought that she and Troy hit it off pretty well and actually exchanged numbers. Troy and I left the event before it ended and grabbed a bite to eat at J.J. Dolans where he completely Freudian slip on me. My phone died after I texted Justin something not so great and when I got home and plugged it in he was freaking out a bit that I hadn't answered after texting him. Troy said that the room was spinning but he made it home safe.

Thursday: So I did a bad thing and went over and hung with Justin in the morning before work. Nothing too serious but it existed. I went to the visiting professor's lecture which was fun, but I wasn't that into it. The embarrassing part was that I nodded off for a bit and got caught because there was only 3 of us in the lecture that is now cancelled :( I met up with my friend Brandi later that night because she thought that we would be able to get into Wicked!, but alas it was sold out. We ended up going to see Les Miserables instead. That was a good movie.

Today, Friday: After dropping Brandi off I was dozing on and off and actually didn't sleep that much. I did a bad thing and called Justin to hang for a bit before work. While, I was at his place I started feeling sick, so I told him I was going home. I went home and texted my boss that I was having flu like symptoms; nausea, diarrehea, chills and all three put together did not make for a happy Jamie. I spent most of the day napping and then walked through Waikiki with Brandi tonight. We went to the Teddy Bear store, missed the penguins at the Hilton Hawaiian Village, and were nearly snubbed at Denny's. Justin called to check up on me and seriously thought I was snobbing him when I actually wasn't. I also made a Jon friend today, which I'm hoping to meet up with sometime next week.

So yes, it has been a crazy week for me.  I hope that tomorrow won't be as bad.


Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Why is it so easy to cut some people out of your life and yet so hard to cut out others? It kills me inside to know that at this time last year I was in a relationship and I thought we were getting to somewhere good. Seriously though it sucks to know that you care enough about the other person to say I'm sorry about things and want to change and the other person doesn't want to change at all. It sucks to know that I want to be friends and ask about your life as a friend and you can't ask about mine.
-Did you know that you make me cry more than you make me smile?
-That I often feel your punching bag because you refuse to let me tell you my feelings
-I'm doing my best to accept you as you are the least you can do is accept me as I am
-Do you know that I've almost put my bottom teeth through my lips at least 5 times this year?
-Do you even know that you can hear my jaw click when I grind my teeth now?
-Does it even matter that I think to take you places because something there made me think of you?
-It sucks that you haven't learned the art of listening yet

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

I wish you knew


i wish you knew....
-how everything taste like nothing in my mouth
-how i want to spend most days under a desk or covers
-how i haven't been sleeping at nights
-how the sleeping pills i've been taking haven't been working
-how i hate when you text me things that make you miss me
-how i spend half the time wishing you would call and the other half wishing you didn't
-how i hate when you call me in the middle of the night
-how i spend most of the days struggling not to cry
-how i try not to make people feel sorry for me mostly because i'm sad alot
-how i've seriously wish i was never born right now
-how i wish i had never met you
-how i know you really don't miss me even though you say you do
-how i wished my heart would stop hurting
-how much weight i've lost because of all of this
-how i can't stand to look at myself anymore

yeah i wish you knew and every single time i tell you. you don't listen.
you can't hear me crying
you can't see the tears in my tears
you can't see my heart shatter on the floor
you can't hear me screaming


Sunday, January 6, 2013

What...what?


January 6, 2013

Today was the first day that I actually exercised since I sprained my knee. I've been super worried about exercising since the sprain was really bad and still hurts. I still can't stand for long periods without being in some pain, I haven't managed to wear heels really without some pain. It really does suck. I made it through my light jog without passing out in crippling pain which is definitely progress.

I've been watching a ton of netflix which is kind of crazy, but way good because that means I'm not letting movies go to waste and disappear. I also cleaned some more of my room which is great, but I wish that it meant more and things would just appear sooner.

Justin called again today. It's still weird talking to him. He expects me to automatically be his friend and in ways just to forget what happened the past year, which isn't possible. He also expects me to never ask about Dani ever again. I haven't decided what I'm going to do about that yet, the good news is that I haven't been calling him.

I'm looking forward to this coming week because Brandi will be back from Kauai, I'm going to a mixer event with a friend, and for the whole weekend I'll have the house to myself because the 'rents will be on vacation. I can't wait to film and blog a ton :)



Saturday, January 5, 2013

It's gonna be a good day


January 5, 2013

After I posted my blog yesterday I left him a voicemail about what I was trying to explain to him and I probably shouldn't have left him a voicemail to begin with. I call to check to see if he got the voicemail because there is nothing worse than having someone call you back days later and there is nothing of relevance to say anymore. He got the voicemail and then called me later to chat. We had nothing to chat about since life is just life. Apparently he was home alone most of the night and decided that it was good to call me again later that night. ugh! He even called this morning...I guess we'll see how long this last.

It was a really good day or at least I feel semi accomplished.  I dropped off donations to Goodwill which I had been meaning to get out of my room for a while, I stopped by Ben Franklin Crafts and finally picked up the laminate cartridge and finished laminating the passes for work, picked up a pack of pack of Thank You cards for work yay! Picked up a new monthly planner for work at Sanrio because I'm slimming down and I wanted a cute one. I also watched a ton of things in my instant queue on Netflix which is always good. The only bad thing about today was McDonald's and getting another bill from the hospital.

I hope that all days are as chill and as great as this all year :)

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Why can't the past just be the past?


January 3, 2013

So after I posted last night. I did the unthinkable and called Justin. I really honestly did think about not calling me back, why call me? What's the point? But I called him and there was no real point to him calling me other than to torture me and pretend that we are friends. In his little world everyone is friends and we're happy all the time and no one has problems...BULLSHIT!

I also did another unthinkable because I asked him why did he keep Dani around for so long and why did he keep running back to her. He claims that he had no reason and I should seriously stop delving into things. Ummm....hi! not your decision to make anymore. All you can do is answer my questions and be decent to me. In the midst of our conversation he says his phone dies and then after he decides to plug it in and let it charge decides that it would be great to call me at 430 in the morning. Uh...yeah I don't buy your story....

Work is going well. My co-worker is back and things seem to be falling into place, so I can't complain about that right now. I just hope that it keeps going this way so far.


Wednesday, January 2, 2013

New Year-New Life


 January 2, 2013
I've decided that I  need to start keeping a journal again of all things that happen in a year because all the days of my life are starting to blur.

Today mostly nothing happened. Work has been interesting. We got in a scholar who is staying at the apartment probably until June. She and her husband are from
Germany and she's working on her second book on Buddhism. After she leaves from Hawaii she will shortly be going to Japan to live and do research on the Gion Festival.

Justin called today. I decided to let him go at the end of last year. I didn't do very well because yesterday. I took him a plate of New Year's food as a peace offering at work. I also took a plate of food to his roommates Colby and Kama. He called yesterday thinking that I was trying to kill him, SERIOUSLY!??  Then he calmed down and we had a real conversation. 

Today I put away all the things that reminded me of him. I took both the earrings he gave me for Christmas, the painting he gave me for my birthday, the shot glasses I received in the mail. I did forget one thing which I'll probably put away this weekend. I put them all in my college keepsake box, which is quite packed away and will take some work to get to if I start to miss him. I even deleted his number out of my phone. I haven't decided if I'm going to give him the last of the letters I've written and write him one last letter.

I deleted all his friends out of my phone earlier in December because it was when I first decided that he needed to be out of my life. I dismantled the album of us online. I gave him back the shirt that his mom gave me. The only thing that I have left to deal with is the joint account that we created together. 3 more months. 

I can't wait to have him out of my life and have my life back. New Year-New Life.