Monday, January 28, 2013

Letting go

I published my blog WAAAYYY too early yesterday. On the way back from the bank I saw him and I really thought that he saw me driving back to work, so when I called to tell him I saw him he automatically assumed that it was at the mall. He thought I was being snarky and snippy and I stated that it wasn't like that. I would never deliberately avoid him, unless that's what he wanted.

I do a horrible thing and call later because there are thoughts that shouldn't be running in my head about our relationship that are. He can't give me a straight answer and we end up in a fight and me being sad because I really want and honest to god explanation about things. I never think that I push people away. He calls me at 4 in the morning and is nearly falling asleep on the phone only because he said that he would call me back. I try to get him to answer things and he decides to not have the conversation because it isn't worth it and because he can't handle it.

Somewhere in the middle of the night, I write him the last letter that I'd been thinking about writing for a bit. To say goodbye and how I don't want to be friends right now because all we do is end up causing each other pain and suffering. I'm done with it. I seal it in an envelope with the rest of the letters recently that I haven't given him because I figure that he REALLY wants to understand and deserves to know the truth.

I drive by his place and think about leaving it in his door, but realize that even though that might be the best plan for me I know he doesn't like it. I call him and wake him up and ask him to come to the door to actually give it to him. He puts up a fight and when I give him a real argument for why I don't want to leave it in his door he then comes to get it.

He decides to call me before I go to lunch because he thinks that's the best thing to pick yet another fight. He doesn't even bother to read the letters that I gave him today, but instead picks up the argument where it was last night. I think why are picking up that argument I'm done all I need you to do is read the letters and realize that. He finally reads the letters and gives him a chance to calm down a bit before he accuses me of writing them all at once. I never write any letters all at once because it's insincere and that's not fair to anyone period. He gives me a real answer on why he thinks that I pushed him away and the things we keep doing to hurt each other. I know its not fair to either of us to know that much and to irritate each other so much. He still thinks its wrong that I gave him the shirt back and that I shouldn't have done that. He still can't see what it meant and how I perceive it.

But I'm glad that I have a chance to be happy and don't have to spend time crying anymore. I told people that we are through and I really hope that it's true this time.

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